“My in-laws will be staying with us over Thanksgiving this year for the first time. They’re lovely people, but I really struggle with houseguests. How do I get them out of the house as often as possible, while not hurting their feelings?”
Reader, you’re not alone! It’s a timeless dilemma—how to maintain personal boundaries while opening your home to guests. Add the in-law ingredient, which can be deeply meaningful and deeply volatile, and you’ve got a recipe for tension.
The good news is, you actually have an advantage over most in your situation. Because this is your first go at hosting, you can set expectations in ways that will benefit you, your spouse, and their parents for this and all future stays.
Communication style can make or break us in these situations, so I enlisted the help of Dr. Candace Ziglor, DSW, LMSW, at the U-M School of Social Work.
Dr. Ziglor quickly agreed that while there are, of course, countless entertainment options for your in-laws, “it’s not as much what you say as it is how you say it.”
Specifically, she suggests using “I” instead of “you” statements. Try something like, “I wonder if there’s anything people would be interested in doing in town,” or, if you’re comfortable with more direct language, “I’d really love a moment alone to get the house together.” Both approaches help you establish boundaries and clarify expectations.
Dr. Ziglor also recommends strategizing early with your partner: “Some of those challenges are predictable, and if you can have a plan in place before they come, you’re working together as a team rather than feeling like you’re all alone.”
Write up a few itineraries together based on how much alone time you think you’ll need. I’d be remiss (and awful at my job) if I didn’t suggest using the Observer’s unparalleled events calendar to drum up some options—try finding thematic combinations to add a personalized touch. An “art walk” from UMMA to the Stamps Gallery, with a lunch stop surrounded by the local art at Sava’s. A “cultural bazaar” with an evening show at Kerrytown Concert House after some holiday shopping at the market. You get the picture.
The real essence here, as Dr. Ziglor explains it, is that “we’re not any good to anyone unless we’re good to ourselves.” Establishing your needs in advance—and with your partner—will help you communicate them clearly. Removing ambiguity, while sometimes a little scary, is a gift for everyone involved.
Need Ann Arbor-ish advice? Email [email protected].