The stage for this reckoning was set in the November 2010 Observer. Before she left to write about restaurants in Seattle, reviewer Hanna Raskin asked whether Ann Arbor would have “the local meat to compete” when Five Guys Burgers and Fries arrived in town. (It has since taken over the Shaman Drum space on State.) “Five Guys has a nasty habit of demolishing its homegrown rivals, taking the best burger crown in reader polls across the country, including Zagat’s,” Raskin warned. Swelling to more than 750 stores in its first decade, with forty planned soon for Michigan, this mega-franchise makes you wonder whether said guys have found the magic chew–the alchemy to turn beef into big bucks without completely going over to the fast-food dark side.
After three visits, I think I get what’s going on, and it’s only partly about what you’ve come to eat. Which is not to disrespect the classic American fare served here. Those burgers and fries are good. Never frozen, the burgers come out well done in the best meaning of the term (brown but not dry or rubbery). Toppings have slow-food integrity: crispy iceberg lettuce and green peppers, bright red tomato slices, juicy, lightly fried mushrooms. Only tiny squares of cooked chopped onions disappoint by being mushy and stale tasting, so go ahead and splurge on a fresh onion slice. In fact, splurge on all the toppings–only the cheese costs extra. (It’s 50 cents and American only; no Swiss or other sissy cheese available here.) I sense the meager cost of toppings is built into the $4.99 burger price, which isn’t likely to change until the guys are ready to reprint menus and forgo displaying their GQ Magazine accolade as “The Best $5 Burger a Man Can Eat.”
I suspect part of Five Guys’ appeal comes from a marketing strategy and a milieu that make customers feel macho–more hunter-like–even if all that’s being hunted is an urban lunch. My evidence? The limited menu, with no dessert or fruit in the house except lemons for iced tea. Huge orders of fries (Cajun or plain) that come dumped into paper bags. High- contrast red and white decor, with no pastel tones anywhere. (Shaman Drum’s beautiful wood entrance has been retained, but it looks now as if it should have a bear head or whitened steer skull pegged onto it.) Buns are basically beige and inoffensive; the burger buns get an extra, unexceptional sprinkle of sesame seeds.
The sizzle of the grill is always audible inside, over a throbbing satellite radio stream of Bon Jovi, Bruce “the Boss” Springsteen, Billy Idol, and other East Coast beach tunes. Forget Value Menus or Happy Meals; without a kids’ menu in the house, the sprouts will have to settle for a single-patty “little burger” or a hot dog (tasty enough that Dad won’t mind finishing it off if the kiddos can’t). Vegetarians are similarly dismissed with a patty-free “veggie sandwich.” Joke was on me when I first ordered it and went back up to tell them they’d forgotten the patty. They laughed–the guys apparently don’t make mistakes. But the joke was on them when my vegetarian son came with me the next time and marginalized profits on the $2.99 sandwich by ordering it with all nine vegetable toppings, and then made four trips to the free peanut trough.
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I can’t predict whether Five Guys will crowd out other Ann Arbor burger joints. But now that I’ve pretty much guaranteed that this review won’t be posted alongside the dozens of others on the restaurant walls (except perhaps in the women’s bathroom, but they’d have to take down the ones already there to make room), I will close by saying I actually liked Five Guys. I would go back for a straightforward burger on the rare occasion I’m sure that’s all I want. There isn’t much else to be had. Except fries, and free peanuts while you’re waiting–not that waiting’s much of an issue. Real men, after all, aren’t too good at waiting.
Five Guys Burgers and Fries
311 S. State St., 213-3483
www.fiveguys.com
Open daily 11 a.m.-10 p.m.
Burgers, dogs, and sandwiches $2.99-$6.19. Fries $2.69-$4.79.
Wheelchair-friendly (although there isn’t a lot of room to maneuver inside).